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All Time Most Irritating Flatmates Part 1


Telephone Girl and I have been devising a "Top Ten Irritating Flatmates" concept which we will sell to Channel 4 to restore our liquidity and permit us a few bottles.

Having to share with her and the Dove and the Maiden, I'm a bit of an expert in this field so I think I'll spread my thoughts around. Let me just say first that I will on no account have anything to say about Big Brother. Point 1: Obviously Anyone on Big Brother is an irritating flatmate. Point 2: they are beneath my dignity: OK?

Clearly to get this on TV it's going to have to be have to be a celebrity "Irritating Flatmates". A man of my acumen realises that not every fucker who ever left a grill pan with burnt on burger fat or went into your room to help themselves to your condoms, without letting on, is going to hike up audience figures nationwide. It's got to be people like Madonna and Jerry Springer. Well I'm not going to do Madonna. Don't bully me. I refuse to conform. Just remember from where I spring.

However Big Brother does immediately suggest a contender of most frightening aspect in Davina McCall. This kind of summer camp team leader person would surely curdle the milk in Chimmie 's breakfast bowl with shrill exhortations to have fun or worse to "get up". OK now I'm getting somewhere. Carol Smillie: she who comes round and gets people to ruin your house and Enjoy It. They're a bit similar, of course, these two, so for a bit of balance how about Margaret Thatcher? She certainly gets on a few people's nerves, but not because she's trying to Be Fun.

What about those two creatures who pose as fashion consultants doing makeovers, in order to practise systematically wrecking the confidence of another human being? Trinny something and err ... somebody else. You're not coming round to make Chimmie over, ladies. I'm not That Desperate for publicity. And, by the way, have you had a look in the mirror when you're slagging people off? You're not so great youselves. This is Wrong. Now bugger off and go round to see Edina and Patsy.

To investigate this matter fairly and firmly, I am going to construct an imaginary household, which I have to share with Carol, Davina and Margaret, and I will be minutely documenting the events in the Big Chimmie House as the drama unfolds. Or at least I will when I get some more time. For now you'll just have to make do with the fact that Carol isn't even any fun at all. Unless she thinks she's seen a camera crew, she just smoulders spitefully in the corner, chewing her nails. You'd think that she'd be good for painting the bathroom, but she only seems to be happy if I'm doing the painting. Davina turns out to be OK. I think she just pretends to be a moron because that's a condition of her contract. She is pretty good at it though.

Margaret is a revelation. For good and ill, she never forgets anything you tell her. But it does prove that she listens to you. She's given me a lot of advice about my career without being in the least bit patronising and keeps offering me cups of tea. I'm becoming quite fond of Margaret which as a monarchist socialist, I find quite .....Worrying.

Anyway Carol, you are the most irritating. I'm going to have a drink now.